"maaamah"

This boy called me "mama" today.  It was the sweetest thing ever.

Technically he did yesterday, but he was crying then and it was hard to decipher.  Today, I walked into our bedroom and he looked up from playing with his puppy and said "maaamah".  Luckily I had a witness {Caroline}!  I had to text Paul right away since both girls said "dada" first.  And again this evening, when I can home from the store, he looked up at me from Paul's arms and said "maaamah".  It really made this day so much brighter!  Plus my Gracie got off the bus today and said "I think you just need a hug".

trying not to raise a quitter...

How far do you push when your child doesn't want to participate?  I must admit that I've been giving up more than pushing lately.  Let me set the scene...

8a-1030a this morning:  make coffee, feed C (who is too excited about skating to eat), clean up kitchen, feed baby, reheat coffee, dress baby, find matching mittens for C ("no not THOSE mittens"), find second pair of mittens for C, change baby again, gather everything up, tell C to hit the head ("whyyyyyy???"), throw on shoes, gather up blanket/toy/hat for baby...

1033a:  remember coffee, guzzle half a cup, and run out the door....

1040a:  arrive at ice rink, unload baby & C (who is too excited to carry her own snowpants/hat/mittens), get in the door...

1045a-11a:  dress C in gear, get skates on C, get kicked in the chest with skates not once but twice, get helmet on, make name tag, zip up jacket, hugs/kisses/have funs, put C in line...

1101a:  C gets out of line, C refuses to join group, C is no longer excited about skating, head shaking, tears, mild screeching, ultimatums, frustration...

And so we left.  I spend the entire morning getting out of the house, 15mins getting C dressed at the rink, another 5mins arguing with her, and 15mins getting undressed and back in the car.

How hard should I push?  Sure, I could have forced her to stay, screaming (most likely) and then what?  Do that every week for the next three weeks?  The lazier me would rather just not bother.  Too much hassle for not fun outcome.  She does participate at ballet and goes right in to class, and LOVES it.  But I feel bad that she misses out on things because she doesn't want to try.  And I don't want to be mean...  Such a fine line!

What do you do when your kid wants to quit?  Or, as it happens, won't try something new?

mama guilt

There is nothing worse than the feeling that you didn't do enough or could have done something differently. That mama guilt has been eating at me for the last few months.  Back in December, something happened.  Something terrible that I've tried to forget and move on from.  

I was rushing down the stairs carrying Samuel and I fell.  And as I fell, I dropped my sweet baby boy.  Typing that brings tears to my eyes, a tightness in my chest, and conjures images of him falling head over heels just out of my reach.  I can't describe how I felt in the moment.  It's like time stopped.  I think I was screaming and he was quiet.  When I got to him, he looked at me with his big grey eyes and cried and cried.  I was frantic.  Hysterical.  Repeating over and over "I can't believe I dropped him."  And the guilt started to hit me.  Why couldn't I have slowed down?   Why didn't I hold onto him?  All these whys and what-I-should-have-dones.

It swallowed me in the days following.  I was adrift, drowning.  It took a full month before I could carry him up or down the stairs, tears streaming down my face and holding my breath.  And it still hasn't left me.  It's always in the back of my mind.  Every time I stumble, or have to stop at the top of the stairs.  My heart is still in my throat when I'm holding him and clutching the railing, praying that we make it to the bottom together.  

Thank God Samuel was fine.  He had stayed curled in a little ball as he fell, protecting himself when I couldn't.  At the hospital, he was playing and looking for his sisters and nursing.  His usual beautiful self.  And he came out of it without a single bruise.  Proof to me that we have a guardian angel who held my boy above those hard wooden stairs and laid him gently on the landing at the bottom.

I'm not sure what to do about the mama guilt, that nagging what-could-have-been feeling.  Some days, I can't believe he still trusts me to hold him safe and some days I realize I've gone all day without thinking about it.  So I'm putting it here, giving it a place outside of me, and freeing myself from a little bit of the guilt.  And I hope that other mamas are able to do the same, to let go of at least a little bit of that mama guilt and move on.

friday favorites

 It's sad to say that we are still getting back to normal life after our awesome Florida trip.  We got home almost three weeks ago and I still haven't finished unpacking the car!  We've been savoring warm memories and wishing spring would hurry!  Here are some favorites from our trip and the last few weeks...

• babies in stripey hats...

• turning six months old {and not interested in having pictures taken}...

• my three Valentines...

• three happy kids at South of the Border on our way to Florida!

• the pool at Breckenridge...

• lazy Florida mornings...

• babies who float {with a little help}...

• train rides at lakes park...

• this boy + his baguette

• reading books & hanging at the beach...

• the orange market

• spring training...

• matching with Great Grampa

• disney world 

• being home

• dance parties with besties

• escaping toes...

• ears on baby hoods {if you know what this is, please comment!  lamb?  bunny? we can't tell!}

• broccoli

• yoga babies who want so badly to crawl!

• first teeth {no photos yet!}

• family time...spending time with grandparents, extra baby snuggles, and always time for an extra big girl hug or serenade {turkey dinner song, anyone?}

•seeing Papop's new house!  We had a great stopover on the way home!

I'll be back with a Florida post {with real photos} and a kitchen update soon!