one year later: birth story.

One year ago, we were up early + full of anticipation to meet our son.   We hadn't settled on a name...after much discussion we decided to wait until we met him to choose.  We'd chosen to induce labor, which made us a little uneasy.  I was certain that my third baby wouldn't come any later than the first or second, yet here we were three {or ten, depending on which due date} days past.  The bags packed and ready to go, Uncle Muffin and Aunt Becca here helping and waiting with us for almost a week already.  The Boy was not coming...no matter how many miles I walked or how many hundreds of squats I did.  So, at 7am on August 8th 2013, I called the hospital to make sure they could start my labor that day {tiny hospital, people}, and by 730 we were on our way, joking {but totally serious!} on the ride over that we'd be meeting our baby by dinner time at the latest.

The process was slow.  So very slow.  We checked in, got the lovely corner room {yay!}, bloodwork, IVs.  It was decided to try to "ripen" my cervix before breaking my water or starting pitocin since The Boy was still pretty high.  And then we waited.  I was stuck in bed, attached to monitors for what seemed like forever {I think it was actually an hour or two}.  That medication sort of helped and around 1pm, they started the pitocin drip to get some real contractions going.  We walked and walked and walked the little L shaped hallway.  And bounced on an exercise ball.  And walked some more.  And cranked up the pitocin since I wasn't feeling the contractions.  The midwife joked and said she'd be off shift at midnight so baby needed to come before that.  We all laughed and figured he'd still be here around dinner time {my second delivery was 4.5hrs from first contraction to babe in arms}.

At 630pm, they broke my water.  Within the hour, the pitocin was off and I was in the tub, breathing through contractions.  

By 830pm, I had decided on the epidural.  I just had a feeling that I would need it to get through the delivery {boy am I glad I got it!}.  Though very nice, the nurse anesthetist took about 45 minutes to set the epidural and I almost said forget it!  Once it was in, I was totally numb and resting for a bit before I started feeling pressure.  Baby never really came down on his own so I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.  

I started pushing at 1030pm, really exhausted and running on adrenaline and just knowing that I would get to see my sweet baby so soon.  We were still counting on him coming before midnight!  I really wanted my midwife there!

After 1.5 hours of pushing {man, it felt like slow motion especially since first baby was about 45mins and second was about 15mins}, our boy was born at 1201am on August 9th 2013.  I am so grateful for my delivery team for sticking with me and pulling us through those last {looooong} hours!

He was chunky, hairy, pink, and had the biggest baby cheeks.  Pooped on daddy, peed on mama and then weighed in at 8# 15 and 21" long.  A keeper in every way!  He nursed like a pro from the start.  I stayed up most of the night, cuddling him and studying his sweet features, trying to see which name he would choose.  

In the morning, the girls came with auntie & uncle.  They were mesmerized by their baby brother!  The sweetest moments were watching them meet him, checking out his tiny toes & fuzzy hair.

In between sister visits and the next batch of family arriving, we decided to name our boy Samuel James.  James for my paternal grandfather, who my children never had the gift of knowing but seem to have many "Grampa Denbow" traits from.  Samuel has the Denbow gleam in his eye, fun-loving & a little mischievous.

The details are foggy, but the feeling remains.  Blissful.  How they became my three.  I'm weepy as I write this with Samuel nursing in my lap, his chubby fingers touching the tears on my cheek and gray eyes curiously wondering what's wrong with mama.

And since we will be partying it up tomorrow...

Happy Birthday, my little love.  May you always share your goodness & light with everyone around you!  I am so lucky to be your mama.  XO

family favorite food: black beans & rice

Black beans & rice is a quick, filling, inexpensive favorite around here!  I usually throw in some veggies {broccoli, corn, tomatoes, cooked diced carrots} to make it healthier.  Even Samuel devours it!  

Black Beans & Rice

• 2-3c uncooked brown or white rice {depends on what bean-to-rice ratio you prefer}

• 15.5oz can of black beans {or about 2c home cooked black beans}

• 3T ketchup

• 1/4c salsa

• 1T spicy brown mustard

• 1/2T hot sauce {more/less to taste}

• 2T ground cumin {more/less to taste}

• 1T butter or olive oil

• 1tsp salt

• 1/2tsp black pepper

• 1/2tsp nutmeg

• 2c cooked veggies {broc, tomato, carrot, corn are our usual}

Cook rice according to package instructions.  Drain & rinse beans {if canned}.  When rice is cooked, add beans and stir in the rest of the ingredients.  Serve with shredded cheese, sour cream, salsa, scallion, shredded lettuce/cabbage, tortilla chips.

"maaamah"

This boy called me "mama" today.  It was the sweetest thing ever.

Technically he did yesterday, but he was crying then and it was hard to decipher.  Today, I walked into our bedroom and he looked up from playing with his puppy and said "maaamah".  Luckily I had a witness {Caroline}!  I had to text Paul right away since both girls said "dada" first.  And again this evening, when I can home from the store, he looked up at me from Paul's arms and said "maaamah".  It really made this day so much brighter!  Plus my Gracie got off the bus today and said "I think you just need a hug".

mama guilt

There is nothing worse than the feeling that you didn't do enough or could have done something differently. That mama guilt has been eating at me for the last few months.  Back in December, something happened.  Something terrible that I've tried to forget and move on from.  

I was rushing down the stairs carrying Samuel and I fell.  And as I fell, I dropped my sweet baby boy.  Typing that brings tears to my eyes, a tightness in my chest, and conjures images of him falling head over heels just out of my reach.  I can't describe how I felt in the moment.  It's like time stopped.  I think I was screaming and he was quiet.  When I got to him, he looked at me with his big grey eyes and cried and cried.  I was frantic.  Hysterical.  Repeating over and over "I can't believe I dropped him."  And the guilt started to hit me.  Why couldn't I have slowed down?   Why didn't I hold onto him?  All these whys and what-I-should-have-dones.

It swallowed me in the days following.  I was adrift, drowning.  It took a full month before I could carry him up or down the stairs, tears streaming down my face and holding my breath.  And it still hasn't left me.  It's always in the back of my mind.  Every time I stumble, or have to stop at the top of the stairs.  My heart is still in my throat when I'm holding him and clutching the railing, praying that we make it to the bottom together.  

Thank God Samuel was fine.  He had stayed curled in a little ball as he fell, protecting himself when I couldn't.  At the hospital, he was playing and looking for his sisters and nursing.  His usual beautiful self.  And he came out of it without a single bruise.  Proof to me that we have a guardian angel who held my boy above those hard wooden stairs and laid him gently on the landing at the bottom.

I'm not sure what to do about the mama guilt, that nagging what-could-have-been feeling.  Some days, I can't believe he still trusts me to hold him safe and some days I realize I've gone all day without thinking about it.  So I'm putting it here, giving it a place outside of me, and freeing myself from a little bit of the guilt.  And I hope that other mamas are able to do the same, to let go of at least a little bit of that mama guilt and move on.

friday favorites

 It's sad to say that we are still getting back to normal life after our awesome Florida trip.  We got home almost three weeks ago and I still haven't finished unpacking the car!  We've been savoring warm memories and wishing spring would hurry!  Here are some favorites from our trip and the last few weeks...

• babies in stripey hats...

• turning six months old {and not interested in having pictures taken}...

• my three Valentines...

• three happy kids at South of the Border on our way to Florida!

• the pool at Breckenridge...

• lazy Florida mornings...

• babies who float {with a little help}...

• train rides at lakes park...

• this boy + his baguette

• reading books & hanging at the beach...

• the orange market

• spring training...

• matching with Great Grampa

• disney world 

• being home

• dance parties with besties

• escaping toes...

• ears on baby hoods {if you know what this is, please comment!  lamb?  bunny? we can't tell!}

• broccoli

• yoga babies who want so badly to crawl!

• first teeth {no photos yet!}

• family time...spending time with grandparents, extra baby snuggles, and always time for an extra big girl hug or serenade {turkey dinner song, anyone?}

•seeing Papop's new house!  We had a great stopover on the way home!

I'll be back with a Florida post {with real photos} and a kitchen update soon!

first bites...

 The little mister is so close to six months old.  I can't believe it!  He's hitting so many milestones, learning and exploring every day.  Since he's been sitting up a bit {and begging for food like a cute little puppy}, we decided to go ahead with his first food.  It amazes me how things change from child to child...the newest craze is baby led feeding {called baby led weaning, although there is no actual weaning from the boob} in which baby receives no purees, only pieces of food so they learn to "chew" and swallow and only eat what they want with no pressure from mom and dad.  So of course, after much research, we decided to give it a go.  Yesterday, Samuel watched as I prepared and baked a few organic sweet potatoes in stick shapes.  After letting them cool for the afternoon and waiting for daddy to arrive home, we were ready.  Little mister looked around suspiciously when we sat him in his highchair with a bib and the tray.  He furrowed his brow at the four of us {plus Uncle Ben} watching, me with my camera at the ready.   I placed three squishy sticks of sweet potato on the tray...and he continued to look around wondering what was going on.  After a few minutes, he grabbed one of the sticks and tasted it, smushed it, tasted it again.  I'm not sure that he actually swallowed any but he sure had fun exploring this new food!  Mama is super proud, and I am totally biased but is he not the cutest little eater?!?

Love this expression!

 As for the baby led weaning/feeding, we don't fit under that label.  From what I read, we are more likely "supportive feeding" parents.  No forcing of foods, watching baby's cues, offering a variety, and finger foods as well as some mashed spooned foods which is almost exactly how we started our girls.  Today I mashed up the sweet potato with breastmilk and he ate a few bites from a spoon.  He also loved grabbing/picking up the spoon and putting it in his mouth. He still held, smushed, and tasted the sticks I put on his tray.  I wanted to make sure that he actually ingested some before declaring it a "safe" food and trying something else in a few days.

samuel james cotton

Here are the photos from the hospital leading up to and after Sam's birth.  I'll be back with the story of his birth soon...